Originally, I planned on posting each story with a little cute introduction on where the story came from, when I wrote it, and blah blah blah. But I honestly don't remember writing this. The file is dated 2005, which probably means I was very young and very stoned.
How to Walk! An Instructional Pamphlet Inspired by the Cereal Box.Have you ever tried walking? Walking is like chess: it takes only seconds to learn, but a lifetime to master. It can be a powerful form of locomotion, an unconscious communication to the people snickering at you behind your back, or simply a way to show off that tight ass to the hot guys walking down the block. Yes, walking - previously considered by scientists to be a ridiculous fad - is here to stay. But do you know how to walk?
Problem one: You look like a jackass
Have you ever been told that you look like a fucking moron when you walk? Where the fuck is your right arm, huh? Look at the way your toe is pointed as you daintily twist your ankle, big guy. You could try trading in your walking partner and maybe exchange that grotesque short sleeved shirt over long sleeved shirt look for, I dunno, a leather jacket. Or would you rather go on another walk with your grandmother?
Problem two: You don't even know how to walk
Your mother and I are very disappointed in you. Look at you - we buy you food, clothes, the most expensive plastic chew toys, and all you do is paddle around like a puppy. Who else is going to carry on the family name!? Is this the legacy I'm leaving behind? Roy at the office, his kid made dean's list for the third semester in a row. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? "My kid drooled and said agh agh agh ba for the first time." Get the fuck out of my sight.
Problem three: You sort of forgot how to walk
Sometimes, people get too drunk or too fat or too lazy to walk. These people have to ride around in special chairs and get to park right in front of the grocery store. Meanwhile, I have to trek halfway across the goddamned parking lot with my groceries - which doesn't make any sense, because how exactly is that going to rehabilitate these people? If they get to park two feet away from the entrance, of course they aren't going to walk.
My advice is to take walking lessons - or maybe you could stop hitting the tequila so much.
With a little practice and some painful negative reinforcement, nearly everyone can participate in walking. I'd seriously suggest that you carefully weigh your options before making a choice. The alternative is sitting around all day and forming a little orchestra with your bizarre little friends.
I don't think I can even look you in the eye any more.